Ebidouere
What if you decided to finally let your guard down?
What would it look like if I just gave in? If I just accepted Kehinde and got rid of all the inhibitions I had towards being partnered with someone?
Kehinde had been my friend for months, in fact, what we had had graduated to more than friends in recent months on both ends and when he asked that we become official, I panicked. Not because of the silly reason of losing our friendship or whatever the folks did these days; I knew we could withstand that, but because I was scared. Being alone had become somewhat of a second skin to me, I wore it proudly like a badge, and even preferred it to the stories I heard ranging from domestic violence to cheating and what have you.
I loved being alone, not having to think of anyone other than my siblings and not being responsible for anyone either, but getting together with Kehinde meant that I was most likely looking at marriage and kids in the foreseeable future… the thought debilitated me.
I had avoided our biweekly love circle meetings; courtesy of our church, in hopes of not bumping into him, but I couldn’t avoid anymore and especially, not today. The leader of our group had asked me specifically to be here and I was already ten minutes late.
I raised my hand to knock on her door when it suddenly opened, and I was met standing face to face with the person I had been avoiding. My heart skipped at the surprised expression on his face.
“Hey,” he greeted. His face transformed into one of caution.
“Hi,” I replied. “Am I very late?” I asked in order to lighten the tension that had built over the past few months.
“No, not really. We just started. Sorry, I have to take this,” he said, gesturing to his phone.
I nodded, hiding the hurt from my face. I had started it, might as well bear the consequences. I entered inside and all eyes turned to me. I ducked my face, careful not to meet anyone’s eyes.
Love circle meeting went well except for the, “We thank God that our sister, Ebidouere, is present today after two months of not being available,” and how the fifteen others apart from Kehinde chorused, “Thank God oo.” It was mortifying to say the least.
“Ebi, what happened now? You’ve been suspicious about your whereabouts these past few months.” Mrs. Kisiwa, our group head stopped me from leaving immediately the meeting was over.
“Good evening Ma, it’s not like that. I just needed to adjust to some things.”
“And does this somethings have anything to do with Kehinde and how he has been throwing glances at you all evening?”
“Ma!” One thing I loved about Mrs. Kisiwa was her honesty but in this moment, it wasn’t my favourite thing about her and Kehinde was within earshot!
“What? Am I lying? Everyone here has noticed the two of you and I don’t understand what happened and even if anything happened, is that grounds for you to not come for our meetings?”
“No Ma,” I bristled. She was right. God was priority and my recent actions didn’t show that.
“Well, I hope the both of you get to sort things out and whether you do or don’t, you don’t miss the meetings anymore. Is that okay?”
“Yes Ma, thank you Ma.” We glided into more lighthearted conversations about her work and children, before she left me to say hi to other people.
I was very aware that Kehinde was lingering by the door and wasn’t greeting anybody. I wasn’t ready to have a conversation.
I continued to chat until I noticed that he was nowhere to be seen before I left.
“Hey,” I heard as soon as I was out of the compound.
“God, I was really hoping not to bump into you at this meeting.” I whispered under my breath.
“Ouch,” he chuckled. “I’m just going to pretend that I didn’t hear that. How long did you plan on avoiding me for, Ebidouere?”
We were walking in tandem now, it was both familiar and nostalgic at the same time. I missed this. I missed him. I missed us. “Till you moved on.” I replied.
“Till I moved on?” He stressed and I knew what he was asking of me in not so many words.
“Okay, till we both moved on.” I gave in.
He paused and I had to pause with him. I really didn’t want to have this conversation. It made my resolve weaken by the second. “So it’s safe to say that since you’re still trying to avoid me, you’ve not moved on?”
I definitely wasn’t going to answer his question, at least not until he conceded first. “Have you moved on?” I asked, afraid and excited for the answer at the same time.
He shook his head, knowing me too well. “No Ebi, I’ve not moved on.” He started walking again. “Have you?”
The nickname broke the hinge of my barriers. “No,” I replied.
“Wow, you’re not denying it, bless God. What changed?” I could hear the relief in his voice.
“I never denied it before. I just didn’t know what to do with it or myself, so I shut it down.” Talking with him, walking with him, made me realize that I had missed the peace he brought with himself unintentionally. In the last two moths I had lost my mind being alone when it used to be my haven, my sanctuary. It was weird, but it was also as if I could read the situation for exactly what it was. God was giving me the go-ahead.
“Do you know what to do with it now?”
“No,” I told him honestly. If anything, I had forgotten how to be in a relationship. I didn’t know what was expected of me.
“Are you willing to do anything with it?” He asked instead. He was being careful with me and I understood. If I was him, I would be too. Conversations like this scared me and not only that, I was clueless as to what to do and how to go about it.
“You tell me?” I threw it back at him. I wasn’t about to start this in any way.
He paused, turned to me and grabbed my hands in his. I was forced to look into his eyes. I loved the vulnerability I could see but didn’t know if I had it in me to be that vulnerable.
“Ebi, I know you’re scared, believe me I do, but what if like the Bible says, “There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear,” we work at this together till fear is no longer a thing that is entertained between us. I love you, you know this, but I can’t do anything if you’re not willing to try with me or put in any effort. I want to be serious with you.”
“So what does that even look like, Kehinde? You know how single I’ve been in the past couple of years. I don’t even allow anyone in my space.”
“I know that, why do you think I’m not angry that you decided to ghost me for two months. Two months Ebi!!! But this would look like us being in a committed exclusive relationship that leads to marriage and goes on to the end of our lives. Please don’t shut down on me now.” I underestimated how much he could read me.
“This would look like us deciding to put ourselves under someone to learn from them, this would look like us strengthening our friendship even when things are hard, this would look like us communicating the hard conversations when everything in us wants to hide and this would look even more than all I’ve said. Truth is, I don’t know all that this would entail but I know that with giving us a chance and with Christ as our foundation, there’s nothing that we won’t be able to overcome. Do you think you can do this with me?”
Against my better judgement or worse, one might say, tears gathered in my eyes and my inhibitions were long gone. It looked possible that we could do this together and if Kehinde, with all the times that he’d been hurt was willing to put in the effort, was willing to still love again, who was I that I couldn’t at least give it a chance?
I nodded, unable to form words. “I need to hear the words, Ebi.” He squeezed my hands in his, assuring me to go on.
“I think I’m willing to do this, but I can’t promise you that I’m going to be perfect. In fact, I don’t have the words that you do, but I can tell you that I am willing to give it a chance and to try.” I finished, glad that no tear escaped my eyes.
“Well then, it’s set. You’re officially my girlfriend.”
“Excuse me? You didn’t ask me to be your girlfriend.”
He laughed and it warmed my heart to see him so carefree, so uninhibited. “I’m sorry ma’am. I thought it was well inferred from all I said but since it isn’t, would you do me the honours of being my girlfriend, Ebi?”
I was blushing like a schoolgirl, it was almost embarrassing. “Yes, I will.” I laughed back.
“So now, you’re officially my girlfriend.”
“And you’re officially my boyfriend. God why does that make me feel like a child. I sound like a secondary school girl.”
“Not to me, no. You sound like my woman.”
My jaw dropped at his words. “How…? How did you even get that?” I asked flabbergasted. We were walking again, but he hadn’t left my hand. I could get used to it.
“I’m sharp like that, you know?”
I shook my head at his playfulness, glad that my mind and my heart were at peace again.
We walked in silence for a while before he spoke up. “Ebidouere?”
“Yes, Kehinde?”
“No matter how hard or how uncomfortable things get, can you promise not to ever run from the hard conversations with me?”
I looked at him, hit with how much these past two months had been on him. “I promise, I won’t do that again and I’m sorry. I just try to hide you know, when it’s too much.”
“I know, but you’ll always have peace with me.” He promised. If only he knew how literal that was…
PLEASE DON’T SKIP THIS PART!
In case you’re new here and are unaware, I published my debut novel, Redeemed, in September and since then, I’ve watched some of you show up for me and leave amazing reviews, it’s been nothing short of beautiful, humbling and rewarding all at the same time. Thank you! If you’re curious as to what it’s about, I’d leave a picture below. Both eBook and paperback versions are available and they’re currently on sale! You can check the link in my bio for more information. Thank you again and God bless you plenty as you read🤍 Even if you don’t get it, that’s fine by me. You being here is enough for me. I love you!
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I'm Ebi, Ebi is me 😭🥹
Really loved this story❤️